‘I don’t know why they’re trying to give everything an intrigue meaning. People search for deeper meanings, clever remarks in life just to make it big and precious. Life is already big and precious without us playing God. Simple things are more beautiful as simple. Like smoking is just smoking. It’s not a metaphor, it’s not something clever. I’m not trying to achieve anything ironic about life. It’s just smoking you now, I’m just smoking. They say every cigarette causes you to lose 10 minutes from your life. If I’m going to die at 80, I don’t mind dying at 79. And if I’m going to die at 25 and smoking will kill me at 24, then it is already a shame. It’s simple. Loss has degrees in terms of importance. Loss is not always something unbearable.’

‘You have big hands. It’s almost like they can hold my world. My world has been so shaky, full of ups and downs. But your hands, i think they will hold it steady. Be the steadiness in my life. Your hands may not be the biggest but they are bigger than mine. That’s why I asked you to hold my wrecking world as one piece. But if you say you can’t or won’t hold my world, well it’s ok. You just hold my hand, I can settle with that. And if you say you can’t hold my hands too, well I’m not sure if I’m ok with that yet. Loss has degress in terms of importance. Loss is not always bearable.’

‘Sometimes I feel as if losing will turn me into a better person, wiser maybe. Then I remind myself that I don’t believe in deeper meanings and clever remarks.Yet, I still don’t see the bigger picture in this lose-lose games. I spend days and nights thinking. I’m losing my mind as I’m trying not to lose your hands and I’m losing your hands as I’m trying not to lose my mind. But loss has degress in terms of importance. Loss is not always something evitable.’

 

“This is an apology letter to the both of us for how long it took me to let things go” 

Buddy Wakefield

     It always feels like a year but it only takes a few seconds to lose your mind. It’s a sudden urge to get out and get away and you try to remember how it felt at that last moment when you were completely sane.Everything gains a different meaning, belonging to a “before” and an “after” of a landslide. It is ok, but it really is not. And it only takes a few seconds.

     Last moments. I have been trying to remember the last thing I said to anyone and I can’t recall. Last joke, last song they are all in blur. I am in such hurry to catch up with the world, with people around me that I always miss something. I am turning into a person who looks people’s eyes, begging them with my own, hoping something would make sense so that I can keep up. I try to carry my people with me even if they’re slowing me down. And I can’t understand people and how they sacrifice others just to be ahead with the crowd. But it’s no use of fighting with people, I know that. What I don’t know is that why I keep doing it.

      There is one last moment I can recall. It is a fight, it is a cycle to be honest. Triggered with indifference, carried out by fear, ended up with silence. It took a few seconds but I swear it was a year. I never meant to be so destructive. He never meant to be so careless. He was never good with words, I knew but never accepted. He was being himself, dropping people and words along the road until he’s fast enough to reach safe grounds. I thought he’d come around. Just like in Marquez’s book it is true that love can overcome anything but it is better if we don’t believe in that. It was a magnificient day in Paris when I come to realize he’s too far ahead and he has no intention to come around any time soon.

When you love someone and you break up where does the love go?

Carrie Bradshaw

         3 Notes from a long lost love

• He had ghosts, plenty of them. Every time somebody opened his/her mouth to talk about him, they were also summoning the ghosts. The temperature would change but it seemed as if I was the only one who shivered. Ghosts were always around, always in between, talking to me by a friend’s mouth. Somewhere in between this routine of falling in and out of love I lost my mind. Then he let them in. It was too crowded in his heart, so I left. I went back on the road.
• I’d never had anybody who I was obliged to know like I know myself. I’d done all the wrong moves, chosen all the wrong times because I didn’t know. And when I realized I was doing it wrong, I simply stopped doing anything. I stayed on the safe side, going through our past conversations but always avoiding to start a new one. It was like silently memorizing a play that would never get to see its’ audience. After all those wrong times, it was probably the first time I did a thing on the right time, when I left to go back on the road.
• It wasn’t pride nor was it prejudice. It wasn’t arrogance either. What was it that made it so hard? It wasn’t that we made it hard, but somehow it was hard. I remember seeing fire and thinking how amazing it is to feel the way I felt. But I’ve never thought it would burn down everything I took for guaranteed. I know he thought I didn’t care, or that I cared but not enough to feel bad about it because that was the exact thought that crossed my mind. It took us a lot to realize that this wasn’t the case but I was back on the road by then.